


The Fear Loki Tried To Hide

by Rathian Empress (ANGRBODA69)



Series: The Fears of a Broken Mind [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: A lot of rape, Blood Eagle is an old Norse execution style where the back is cut open and the lungs are pulled out, F/M, Fandral deserves to be punished Viking style by Blood Eagle, Harm inflicted by others, Hugs?, I'm Sorry, Loki Going Crazy, M/M, Other, Rape Messing With Someone's Head, Self-Harm, Sorry If Not All Characters Were Listed, Sorry if you just read that and got disturbing visual images
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-14 19:22:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3422699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANGRBODA69/pseuds/Rathian%20Empress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki's control is dwindling. Whenever Fandral touches him, he wants to rip his skin off. The memories are too painful to cope with. Thor is floating further and further away, and his secret continues to eat away at his insides. It's becoming too much...<br/>Loki tries to cope after his encounter with Fandral, but, some things are too much to handle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fear Loki Tried To Hide

**Author's Note:**

> So over on FFN, people have been wondering why JARVIS did nothing to help Loki, and I am sure that there have been others over here wondering the same.
> 
> So basically I put in the first fic, that Tony assumed that Fandral and Loki were ex-lovers and he seemed to think that Fandral was going up to see Loki to rekindle their romance, AKA sexual acts, and he thought that they should have some privacy. In my head, JARVIS somehow always records the goings on in the tower unless Tony says not to. And Tony is also not a perv in this fic sooo...
> 
> That's what went on in my head. I changed it a bit by the way. Also put a small summary of what I changed at the top in case anyone didn't want to reread the entire thing again. You're welcome!  
> ;)

Loki stayed in the shower for the rest of the day. No matter what, he still he couldn't wash away the filthy feeling he felt. He huddled on the shower floor, shaking. Fandral was coming back tonight. He knew that much.

'Why hadn't JARVIS warned him?' he thought. Loki slipped out of the water and curled up on his bed naked. He couldn't bring himself to sully his clean clothes by placing them upon his skin.

"JARVIS..." he said. "Yes Mr. Laufeyson?" the AI replied pleasantly. Loki closed his eyes at the tone of the voice. It was too cheerful for how he felt right now.

"Where were you?" he asked. "I do not understand the question sir." the AI said.

"Did you not witness my distress last night? When Fandral... when he..." Loki shoved his fist between his teeth and bit down as hard as he could. He ignored the metallic taste of his blood.

"Mr. Laufeyson, would you like me to get you medical assistance?" JARVIS asked. Loki yelled and threw one of his pillows at the ceiling.

"You are completely useless! I was being...he hurt me and you did nothing!" the god snarled. The AI was quiet.

"Would you like me to speak to Mr. Stark? He is currently on a plane to Japan for a business meeting. I had to notify him of a malfunction in my systems. I am sure he will not mind speaking with you." Loki wiped the blood on the sheets and stood. He ran his hands through his still wet hair.

"I think I am going to take another shower."

* * *

"Hey kiddies." Tony's voice came in over the speakers. Natasha looked up at the image of the inventor projected across all of the screens in the room.

"Hello Tony." she said. He nodded and looked at everyone else in the room.

"JARVIS told me what happened. I managed to make a few repairs from here, but, the system isn't gonna be anywhere near as good as it was without me actually there to fix it." He looked over in Bruce's direction.

"From now on, no more drinks or food in the lab. Can't afford to have any more accidents while I'm gone now can we?" he asked. Bruce smiled and nodded. Tony grinned and clapped his hands together.

"Well then. Make sure you guys are careful from now on. The version of JARVIS currently running is just a basic one. No complex commands or anything. You'll just have to get off your lazy asses and get shit yourselves. And you should probably take the stairs from now on. Don't know if the elevators will work as well without JARVIS up and running. But you're welcome to try them." he advised.

Before he logged off he had a sudden thought.

"Hey, how's Loki doing?" he asked. Natasha shrugged.

"He's the same as usual. Only he refuses to come down from his floor." she explained. Tony sighed.

"Damn. Harder than I thought it would be." he groaned. She frowned.

"What?" she asked. He shook his head.

"Nothing important. Bye for now."

The screen went back to the show it had been on before Tony called them. Natasha looked at the men around her.

"So...anyone wanna go check on Loki?" she asked sweetly. Everyone scattered in an instant when she said that. She sighed.

"Oh well. I might as well look up what may be causing Loki to become so distant."

* * *

_Athazagoraphobia – the fear of forgetting, being forgotten or ignored, or being replaced._

Natasha closed the book, tapping her nails across the hard cover. She looked up as Bruce calmly came out of the elevator. He looked around, then frowned.

"JARVIS tell Clint to get down to the lab right now. I've got this amazing idea for a new bow!" the man exclaimed. She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"JARVIS...is everything in place in case of an emergency?" she asked.

"Because of my limited abilities, I am limited in what I can do. However, I will certainly try my best to make sure what happened last time does not happen again." the AI answered. She nodded and took the elevator up to Loki's floor. Maybe he was feeling better this morning.

"Loki?" she called out. She frowned at the broken glass and the wrinkled and ripped clothes on the floor. Usually the god ws very- if somewhat annoyingly- neat.

Loki walked out of his bedroom, wearing a large black hoodie and black sweatpants. His long hair hung wetly across his forehead and he brushed it back, seemingly not caring that water was dripping down his face and back.

"Lady Romanov...I- I was not expecting you so early. Excuse my attire. I just stepped out of the shower." he told her. He shifted nervously before offering her a seat.

"You seem...different today. Something wrong?" she asked him. He shook his head and picked up the open liquor bottle on the table. He took a long drink before he looked at her. "A little early to be drinking isn't it?" she asked. She lifted her hands when he glared at her.

"I'm not judging. Just saying eat something first. It's bad to drink on an empty stomach." she said. His eyes narrowed.

"How do you know I have not eaten yet?" he asked. She smiled.

"Who eats breakfast before showering?" she countered. He frowned and leaned back, taking another swig. She held her sigh in.

"Are you and Thor having problems? You wanna talk about it?" she asked. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but, closed it.

"No. It's nothing." he said. She nodded slowly.

"Ok. You just wanna sit here and drink until Clint and Bruce fall asleep then? We can go and paint their faces when they do." she said. He smiled, looking up at the clock.

"You would tolerate my company for that long?" he asked. She grinned.

"I've lasted this long haven't I?" He nodded slowly.

She stood and pulled out a rather large bag from her pocket.

"Now...let me ask you a question." He nodded for her to continue.

"What do you know of marijuana?"

* * *

When Fandral stepped out of the elevator, he stared at the two people giggling and laughing on the floor. Natasha was holding up her game controller swinging it back and forth.

"You're getting sleepy...close your eyes and and when you awake you will squeak like a gerbil." They both burst out laughing. Natasha rolled over and started giggling when her eyes landed on Fandral.

"Oh my god! It's Frandal! Look Fandy! I'm teaching Loki about...about hypnotism." the spy said proudly.

"You wanna try?" she asked, her voice slurring a bit. The warrior shook his head and stared down at Loki. The god was no longer laughing, nor smiling.

"I think it would be best if you leave now Lady Romanov." he said slowly. She sat up.

"Whaaa...what time is it?" she asked, rubbing her eyes. Fandral sighed.

"Much past the time you should be up here. Loki and I need to talk." he told her. She nodded and moved to stand. Loki grabbed her ankle.

"Anything that needs to be said can be discussed in front of Miss Romanov." he said. Fandral scoffed.

"No...I do not think that will be possible. These matters are much more delicate. They are private matters of Asgard. You wouldn't want the Allfather to find out that you've shared a few family secrets with a Midgardian woman now would you, Loki?" He smiled when Loki began to loosen his grip on Natasha's ankle. He continued.

"But, if I must discuss them in front of her, then I will have to take precautions to make sure she does not reveal what is going to be discussed today." the warrior said. Loki swallowed.

"You ok Loki?" Natasha asked. He nodded.

"I think you should...go." he said quietly.

"Are you sure?" she slurred. He nodded slowly.

"Just go...please." he begged.

She nodded and staggered to the elevator.

"Call me if you need anything Loki." she said over her shoulder. He watched her go, dreading the moment that the elevator doors closed. Fandral moved to stand over him.

"You know your place bastard. You have five minutes to prepare yourself." Loki stood and felt his way to the bedroom. He was too intoxicated to see straight. He was glad he had gotten so inebriated with Natasha because he couldn't feel his body. At least his time with Fandral wouldn't be as painful this time.

When Fandral entered the bedroom, Loki was sprawled out on top of the bedspread. He stared up at the ceiling, watching the dizzying designs of the runes he'd had Tony add to his room. He briefly wondered where the inventor was. He forced himself to stay still as Fandral climbed on top of him.

"Are you going to be a good boy for me tonight?" the man asked. Loki turned his head away. Fandral's treatment of him over the years was humiliating enough. Now he had to rub in his conquest. Fandral huffed and gripped his chin.

"Don't ignore me Loki." he growled, slapping the god sharply across the face. Loki closed his eyes, willing the tears to go away.

"Are you going to be good for me?" Fandral asked again. Loki nodded.

"Yes." he choked out. Fandral smiled and slid out of his clothes.

"You've always been so good for me. So willing." Fandral kissed along his neck and Loki tried not to shudder in disgust.

"And I've always been so good to you too. I never understood why you ignored me for so long."

Loki jerked under him.

"You weren't worth my time." he snarled. Fandral sat up, glaring down at him.

"Really? I seem to recall you enjoying sharing my bed at night. You liked it. I know you did." Loki glared at him.

"That is not true. I never enjoyed it when you snuck into my room. You always told me to be quiet. So Thor wouldn't hear us. You were always so secretive when you did it. You knew that if Thor found out that you'd been raping me, he would have killed you." Loki sneered. He gasped when Fandral wrapped an hand around his throat.

"You were a whore. You still are. Do not blame me because I didn't believe you when you said you were pregnant. You're a liar...a trickster. Anyone would have been doubtful."

He smiled as Loki wriggled under him, trying to pull away.

"You always wanted me. You were always trying to seduce me." he growled, biting the god's neck. Loki let out a cry of pain when the skin broke. Fandral grinned and licked away the blood welling up around the wound.

"You were always so good for me."

* * *

Natasha groaned as the sound of  _Die MF Die_  reached her ears. She lifted her head to look at the clock.  _2:30 am_. She sighed, reaching for her phone.

It slipped from the table to the floor when she over reached and her hand unbalanced it from the edge it was teetering on. After a long struggle of untangling herself from the covers, she snatched it off of the floor and pressed the  _answer_  button on the screen.

"What?" she snarled into the mouth piece. Fury sighed on the other end of the phone.

"Why am I being told there was a power shortage in Stark's tower?" he asked. Natasha groaned.

"Sir, it's 2 in the morning." she pointed out.

"Agent Romanov, please answer the question." he told her.

"Bruce spilled something on a mini arc reactor thingy. It powers the tower you know. Water and electrical appliances definitely do not mix well. After Tony made some minor repairs from Japan, everything was fine." she explained. Maybe she'd just...close her eyes for a moment.

"Romanov! What are you doing. I asked you a question." Natasha snapped awake.

"What is it sir?" she asked.

"Where is everyone else? Loki is still secure isn't he?" Natasha sighed.

"Loki is still secure. And everyone else is on their own floor I presume. Now is there anything else you need sir?"

"No Romanov. Just keep me up to date on Loki." he ordered. Natasha nodded.

"Alright sir. Good night." she said, preparing to hang up.

"Romanov?" he said.

"Hmm? What do you need sir?" she asked.

"It's actually morning."

* * *

Clint groaned, rolling off the desk. He fell onto the floor with a dull thud.

"Hey. You're up. Great. I- I uh...think there's some progress." Bruce said. Clint peaked up at him from his position on the floor. The scientist had apparently had too much coffee this morning. And last night.

"Bruce...I'm tired." he complained. The doctor smiled, twitching a bit.

"I know. I know. Get up, get up, get up. I'm still not finished with you yet." Clint sighed and got to his feet.

"Just hurry it up." he growled.

* * *

Loki curled against the edge of the bed as Fandral slipped out of it. He watched the man stretch before picking up his clothes and pulling them on.

"I'm going to take a shower. You're welcome to join me." he offered. Loki hid his face under the covers. Fandral sighed.

"Alright. Be that way. But, I expect you downstairs on the communal floor today. I want to show you off a bit." He saw Loki's head move which he took for a nod.

The god listened to the sound of the shower, not moving until it cut off. Fandral came out of the bathroom thankfully clothed. He dried his hair and then tossed the towel onto the bed.

"Get up Loki. You can't sleep all day. I know last night was tiring, but, that's just how it is."

Loki sat up and swung his lags over the side of the bed. He could feel Fandral's eyes on him as he stood, still naked.

"It's not polite to stare." he said quietly. Fandral laughed.

"Well how can I help myself when I have such a beautiful creature to stare at all day long." Loki went into the bathroom and closed the door. When he came out, Fandral was gone.

* * *

"Good morning Fandral." Steve greeted, flipping the pancakes in the pan. The warrior smiled, running his fingers through his hair.

"Good day Captain. I trust you slept well?" he asked. Steve nodded.

"I did. And you?" he asked in return. Fandral's grin widened.

"Well...I've always found that I sleep better with someone else in my bed if you know what I mean." He laughed when Steve began to blush.

"I think it is good to know that yourself and the Lady Sif have finally made up." he said. Fandral sighed.

"Well...not quite. But, we are getting there." he said. Just then the elevator opened and Natasha and Thor strode out, looking as if they just got out of bed, which they did by the way.

"Has anyone spoken to Loki lately? I have not seen him in a week now. I wish to talk to him and see what is wrong." Fandral patted his shoulder.

"Perhaps it is time you give your brother some space. I talked to him last night and it sounded as if...well you know how I always hate to be the one to bear bad news, but, he thinks your presence is smothering. He just wants to be left alone for a bit." Thor nodded slowly.

"You have spoken to him?" Thor asked. Fandral nodded.

"I have. Just give him a bit of space. That's all. I'm sure he'll come around." the warrior advised.

Natasha stared at the man next to Thor. She rather liked Fandral, but, she just didn't have a good feeling about him.

"Really Fandral? Are you sure he was in his right mind when he was saying this?" she asked. The man glanced in her direction, visibly annoyed.

"Yes. He told me everything last night." he insisted. Natasha eyed him.

"He was quite intoxicated when I left. Perhaps you should talk to him yourself Thor. Get everything from the horse's mouth." Thor nodded.

"Yes. I will speak to him immediately." he declared, going to the elevator. Natasha smiled when Fandral glanced at her.

'Ha.' Natasha thought. 'Now try to break up Loki and Thor's relationship, you jealous bastard.'

* * *

Loki stepped out of the shower, still dripping wet. He stared at himself in the full length mirror in his bedroom.

There were dark bruises on his hips, neck and a one under his eye. He could cover up the ones on his face with makeup. Wearing more hoodies would hide the ones on his neck and it wasn't as if anyone would see the ones on his hips unless he were naked. But, Thor...the god was probably anxious to see him. They hadn't seen each other for a few weeks now.

He sighed and pulled on a pair of pants and another hoodie. He looked terrible, he knew. But, he didn't really care. He went over and got into the elevator.

"JARVIS take me to the Captain's floor." he said tiredly. He sighed when there was no response. The stairs then. He almost bumped into Thor on his way out who had been about to come up the stairs himself to see Loki.

"Brother! I was just on my way to see you. Why have you been avoiding me for so long Loki?" the god asked. Loki could feel Fandral's eyes burning his skin.

"Leave me alone Thor. I am feeling unwell today." he said. He pushed past his brother and went into the kitchen to sit down.

In truth, Loki didn't feel well. More like disgusted with himself, that he would even allow himself to take pleasure in seeing Thor when he didn't even deserve it. He accepted the glass of orange juice Steve slid to him and sipped it in silence. Fandral sat down next to him.

"Is everything alright, Loki?" he asked pleasantly. Loki resisted the urge to break the glass and slit the man's throat.

"I'm fine." he growled. He swallowed the bile that rose in his throat when Fandral wrapped his arm around his waist. Fandral urged Loki to lay his head on his shoulder, but, the god resisted. Loki forced himself to ignore the hurt look on Thor's face when he sat down at the table.

"Since when have you both become so close?" he asked. Loki stared at the space next to his brother's head, quiet. Fandral smiled.

"We are but friends Thor. I am sure that if Loki is looking for a lover he would have found one by now." Thor swallowed.

"It would seem so." he said quietly, staring at them both. Loki continued to avert his eyes, his face burning with shame. He knew he couldn't tell Thor now. He didn't think the situation would end well.

Steve came over from the stove carrying a large stack of pancakes.

"Who wants more breakfast?" he asked cheerfully, trying to make light of the uncomfortable atmosphere of the kitchen. No one said anything, so he placed the plate in the middle of the counter for them to help themselves. Thor put two on his empty plate and ate them slowly, still staring at Loki as he ate. After he finished, Thor stood abruptly and left the room.

Loki stared down at his untouched plate of food. He suddenly felt sick. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Fandral watching him. Loki swallowed the bile in his mouth and poured some syrup onto his pancakes. He cut a piece off and stuffed it into his mouth, hoping the sweet taste would overpower the bitterness in his mouth and make the sick feeling go away. It didn't, but, he still forced himself to eat.

Clint stepped out of the elevator, rubbing his hands together at the delicious smells coming from the kitchen.

"I smell pancakes and sausage. Please tell me that there's enough left for me." he said. Steve smiled and nodded.

"Good morning Clint. Help yourself. Thor wasn't really feeling well so he didn't eat as much as he usually does so there's plenty." Clint fist pumped the air and rushed over to prepare himself a plate.

"Had a pretty weird encounter with Thor this morning though. I saw the guy a few minutes ago." he said, stuffing a forkful of pancakes into his mouth. Everyone's attention was peaked now and they listened to him while they ate.

"He said he wanted to burrow a pair of my hunting knives. With the way he was looking at me, I was afraid to say no. I just hope he takes care of them. They were kinda my favorites." He cut a piece of sausage and dipped it in the syrup. Bruce shuddered.

"That looks disgusting." he said. Clint shrugged.

"Tastes good to me." he said, taking another bite. Bruce shook his head and spread some organic preservatives onto his french toast. The archer eyed Loki.

"So...I'm guessing you're the reason why Thor was upset." he observed. Loki glared at him, but, said nothing. The room was suddenly quiet again. Clint continued.

"I miss something?" he asked, looking around. Loki took a sip of water to occupy his listless hands. He prayed that Clint would just stop talking.

"What happened? Usually you're all snarky and shit. What happened to that?" Clint pressed. Loki wiped his mouth. He threw down his napkin and stood.

"Thank you Captain for the delicious meal but I am afraid I am feeling a bit under the weather. Excuse me." he said. Clint watched him as he walked away.

"Well...that was weird." he said nonchalantly. Natasha shook her head.

"Why do you always have to do that, Clint?" she asked. He glanced at her, picking at his food.

"What are you talking about?" he asked. She rolled her eyes.

"You always have to pick a fight with Loki, Clint. Just let him be sometimes." He groaned, running a hand over his face. He dropped his empty plate onto the counter.

"You know Loki's a bastard. I don't care if he has been supposedly rehabilitated. He's still the same Loki that attacked New York in my eyes." He went back to the elevator and got in to go up to his room. Natasha sighed. "I better go talk to him." she said, getting up. "Who? Clint?" Bruce asked. She smiled.

"No. Loki."

* * *

As soon as he reached his floor, Loki tore off his clothes and stepped into the shower. Sitting next to Fandral for that length of time, even if it was short, made him feel unclean. He scrubbed at his skin mercilessly. Even after, he still didn't feel clean enough.

"Loki! You ok?" he heard Natasha call from the elevator. He turned off the water and grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist. It slipped to the floor, out of his reach. He let out a small cry of anger as he lost his balance and slipped. "Loki?" Natasha called. Loki struggled to keep his voice as calm as possible.

"I'm fine. I just...I need a moment." he told her, voice still wavering.

Outside, Natasha gave a small nod.

"Ok. You wanna talk about what's eating you? You know...after you get out." she suggested. Loki crouched down in the shower, shaking his head. He took a deep breath. He couldn't stop shaking.

"I can't...I don't know what to do anymore." he said brokenly. Natasha perked up.

"What are you talking about?" she asked. Loki gasped, his chest feeling as if it were about to explode.

"Every time he looks at me...I feel sick." he forced out. Natasha took a step toward the bathroom.

"Are you ok?" she asked worriedly. She tensed when she heard him begin to sob from inside the room.

"Loki?" she asked.

"Loki, you don't sound too good. I'm coming in ok." she warned. When she got no response, she steeled herself and pushed the door open.

The god was curled up on the floor of the shower, shaking uncontrollably. His lips were moving but he was speaking too quietly for her to hear at that distance. She moved to pick up the towel and held it out to him. "You look like you need help." she said quietly. He flinched when she came closer.

"Please don't...don't hate me. I-I always told him to stop, b-but, he never listened. He was always s-s-so much stronger than me. I-it wasn't my fault. Please don't hate me." he sobbed.

"Please, please, please." he cried, rocking back and forth. Natasha swallowed. It was disturbing to see the god like this. She had never even thought it possible for him to be in such a vulnerable position after New York.

"Can you stand?" she asked gently. Tears spilled down his cheeks as he shivered. She took that as a no and spread the towel out over him. "C'mon. Let's get you nice and dry. Maybe them you'll feel a bit better." He jerked when she touched him, beginning to cry harder.

She grunted when she tried to pull him up. He was resisting her, therefore much heavier.

"Loki...I'm trying to help you. Please let me help you into bed." After a few more minutes of coaxing, she finally got him to stand up and wrap the towel around him. She was surprised at how well endowed he was. 'He truly  _is_  a god.' she thought. She pushed the thought from her head. Loki seemed really upset right now and she couldn't afford to be distracted.

She stepped out of the bathroom, not caring if they trailed water everywhere. Not at the moment anyway. She'd clean it up later.

She led Loki to the bed and had him sit down. She grabbed another towel from the bathroom and came back to dry Loki off. She frowned at the bruises and other injuries littering his body with a furrowed brow. As she worked, the god kept trying to curl into a ball, so she made quick work of it. When she was done, he curled up into a tight ball, sobbing.

She sat down next to him and reached out to stroke his hair. He seemed to calm at this so she didn't stop. After he stopped shaking and came back to himself, he sat up, refusing to look at her.

"You wanna talk about it?" she asked. He shook his head. She nodded and stood.

"Wait." he said quietly. She turned back to the god.

"Yes?" she asked. He drew his knees up to his chest and stared at her feet.

"Why are you up here?" he asked. She sighed.

"You were upset. I'm sorry Clint was such a jerk, ok. He's like that sometimes." she said. He nodded.

"He had nothing to do with what happened." he said quietly. She sat down.

"You sure you don't want to talk about it?" she urged. He looked at her for a long time before answering.

"No...I am sure. And please, don't tell anyone of this." he told her. Without looking at her, he spoke again.

"Tell Barton that I am truly sorry for using the Tessaract on him. I had no choice. I could have killed him to get it to the Other. I would have."

She nodded and left the bedroom. She paused for a few moments, listening for any sings of distress. When she heard none, she went to the elevator. She pressed the down button and waited. After five minutes, nothing happened. She cursed. She was going to have to take the stairs back down to the communal floor now.

'Damn Bruce and his spilled tea.' she thought as she reached the bottom of the stairs, breathing heavily.

* * *

Clint looked up at her as she entered the room.

"Hey babe. How was Queen of Green?" he asked around a spoonful of chocolate ice cream. She glared at him.

"You know Clint, perhaps you can be a lot nicer to him. You're not the only one the Tessaract messed with. Loki was affected by it too." she said. He stared down at his ice cream.

"How do you know?" he asked. She crossed her arms.

"Because I just talked to him. Long story short, he said he's sorry for using the Tessaract on you." Clint looked down at his ice cream.

"Maybe you should just talk to him sometime." she suggested. He grimaced and put his bowl down.

"No thank you." he grumbled, walking out of the room. Natasha sighed. She'd go and check on Loki in the morning. Maybe she'd bring more weed to share.

* * *

Loki sighed and searched through his drawers for a clean pair of clothes to put on.

He had almost told Natasha his secret tonight. Almost. He couldn't risk it getting back to Thor. Thor would surely kill Fandral if he ever found out. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't let his brother live with the shame if this ever became public in Asgard.

He shook his head. Thor would never forgive him.

"Awww. Are you planning to retire early? I was really hoping to have a bit of fun." Loki froze. 'No.' he thought, struggling to reign in his panic. 'Please, Norns not tonight.' he begged.

Fandral wrapped his arms around Loki from behind and pulled him close. Loki sobbed quietly when the man nibbled his ear.

"You know I love you right?" he said. Loki turned his face away from Fandral's affections.

"Please...not tonight. I'm just so tired." the god moaned. Fandral laughed.

"Well, you don't have to do anything. Just let me do all the work." he said. Loki tried to pull away from him.

"No, stop. This cannot go on. It mustn't." Loki gave a silent sigh of relief when he felt Fandral's body leave his. He wasn't expecting the sharp slap that came next.

"You think to tell me what is best? You who is nothing more than a bastard Jotun runt?" Fandral hit him again, harder this time.

"Get on the bed. I think we will try something different tonight." Loki's blood turned to ice.

He hated it when Fandral wanted to try new things in bed. It was never for his benefit.

* * *

Natasha sighed as she got to the last few steps. Damn Loki for living at almost the top floor of Stark's Tower. And damn Tony for allowing it. She stopped to catch her breath before she went in.

Loki was sitting on the floor with his back leaning on the front of the sofa, sitting stiller than she thought possible for any being, god or not. He didn't even seem to blink. He was paler than usual she noticed. He didn't even seem to notice she was there. She came around the side, holding her already prepared joint out as a peace offering.

"Hey Loki." she said quietly. He swallowed as she sat down.

"Wanna have some fun?" she asked. He eyed the bag and extra rolling paper.

"I figured after last night you could use something to relax." She held her breath as his green eyes widened.

"What do you know of last night?" he asked. She leaned away from him.

"Well I mean you were pretty shaken up after I helped you out of the shower. Don't you remember? I didn't tell anybody. I swear. I just told Clint that you didn't mean to use the Tessaract the way you did on him." she explained. Loki calmed a bit, visibly less tense.

"So...wanna get baked?" she asked. He nodded slowly.

"Would it be possible to make this substance stronger?" he asked. She nodded.

"Well, there are different types of marijuana, each with different strengths. Later I can see if I can get some. But for now, this is the strongest I've got." she said. He nodded and she lit the joint.

With in the hour, they were both rolling around on the floor, giggling. Suddenly, Loki stopped. He began to cry hysterically.

"Loki? Loki what's wrong?" Natasha asked.

"I- I can't do it any more! I can't. I've kept it in for so long. Please don't think less of me, but, I must tell someone." he said. Natasha moved closer.

"What's going on? I thought we were having fun." she said. He nodded.

"We were. But...I just...there is something I must tell you. I have a terrible secret and it is eating me away inside. I must tell someone. Please let me tell you." he begged. She nodded.

"What is it?" she asked. Tears continued to stream down his face as he refused to look at her.

"You mustn't tell Thor. Or anyone else. Especially not Thor. He would be so angry. He would never look at me the same way ever again. I prefer the way he looks at me now, thinking I cheat on him with Fandral, to the way he would if he knew. I can't bear the thought of losing him because of what I did." he said. He paused, shaking a bit.

"You must promise me you will tell no one." he said. Natasha nodded.

"Of course. I swear." She took a deep breath and held out a newly rolled joint.

"Do you need to calm down a bit before you start?" she asked. He nodded and took it without another word. She lit it for him and watched as he inhaled deeply before handing it back. He closed his eyes as he exhaled.

"What I am about to tell you must not pass through your lips for any reason. I do not know what I would do if you did not keep your word, but I assure you it would not be pleasant." he cautioned. Natasha nodded.

"Your secret can't be that bad...can't it? I mean nothing worse than what I've done right?" she joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Loki took a deep breath, not answering. After several long moments, he spoke. With the way he was acting, Natasha feared what she was about to hear.

"When it first happened, I was but a boy of seven."

**Author's Note:**

> Ha! Bet you're like: Why did you stop there? Come on! You are a terrible person. 
> 
> Don't worry. The next fic in this series will be posted in a couple of weeks. I'm a slow typer and typing 5-6k words takes me a while. Until then, enjoy this!
> 
> ;)
> 
> Just so you know, I will be changing the name on this series from 'Tortures of A Broken Mind' to 'Fears of A Broken Mind'. I know, I know. It's just one word. Blah, blah, blah. But it's been bugging me for weeks now because it's such a perfect title for this series. And I am also thinking of making another series and naming it 'Tortures of A Broken Mind' so it will be a sister series to this one. Maybe.
> 
> So with that said, I will be changing it in two weeks. I don't know if this will affect the way it is saved to your bookmarks or not so I think that will be enough time for you to save this somewhere before I change the name. If you don't get to it, just look for my name. Hope you're all enjoying this series so far. I sure do enjoy writing it even if it is a bit sad.
> 
> ;)


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